Growing up I learned to be pretty conflict avoidant and thought that conflict was not good for relationships. Since then, I have jumped to the other side of the spectrum and attempted to be more outspoken. Now I feel I can more comfortably slide along the conflict spectrum defined by John and Julie Gottman.
Knowing your conflict style can help you and your partner determine how to best navigate conflict together. Remember! Conflict is an opportunity to get to know your partner better. Conflict = Connection, as long as you don't get hostile.
Below are the basics.
5 Conflict Styles by John and Julie Gottman
John and Julie Gottman, renowned psychologists and relationship experts, identified five distinct conflict styles that couples may exhibit during disagreements. Understanding these styles can help individuals navigate conflicts more effectively. The five styles are:
Validating:
This style involves acknowledging each other's feelings and perspectives. Couples using this approach communicate respect and understanding, allowing for constructive dialogue and compromise. Also, even if it sounds the nicest, it has it's downfalls, like sometimes it leaves room to over-compromise or become passive aggressive.
Volatile:
Volatile couples are passionate and intense in their conflicts. They express their emotions openly and may argue vigorously, but they also share a deep affection for one another. Their style can lead to resolution through dynamic discussions. This style can sometimes frighten someone who is more conflict-avoiding
Avoidant:
Couples who adopt this style tend to avoid conflict altogether. They may downplay disagreements and focus on maintaining harmony, which can prevent issues from being addressed but may lead to unresolved tensions over time.
Hostile (highly problematic):
This style is characterized by criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. Hostile couples engage in negative interactions that can escalate conflicts and damage the relationship, often leading to a toxic environment.
Hostile-Detached (highly problematic):
Couples exhibiting this style are emotionally disengaged during conflicts. They may argue, but with a lack of emotional investment, leading to a sense of disconnection. This style can be detrimental as it often results in unresolved issues and emotional distance.
By recognizing these styles, couples can work towards healthier communication and conflict resolution strategies.
To find out more, read about it in detail in Fight Right or if you'd like to work with a couples therapist, request an appointment or reach out with the contact form on this page.
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